Love like there is no Tomorrow

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I have been noticing when one is committed to a context of Love and affinity, no matter what happens, no matter how everyone else acts, the one who is holding the commitment toward love and peace will keep their peace internally and will impact the outcome of the interaction.

I have worked with couples whom one person has been committed to holding the love, listening from the heart, talking from an open and caring place to a mate who has been raging.  The result was an amazing dialogue with more understanding and depth.  I have witnessed political debates when all that mattered was one person listening with their heart to another person being righteous and the outcome was still an unbelievable connection.

It appears that when you commit yourself to an unwavering space of love and affinity, the world could be filled with its own agenda and you will still prevail inside with a peace of mind and a heart filled with love.

Love like there is no tomorrow.

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Live as if Every Moment is NEW

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This week I have been working on the concept of being curious and interested.  This week I have worked with people who have lost their interest in their careers, jobs, relationships, and some at their life.

How does one loose interest? Some lose interest due to feeling uncomfortable, anxiety, anger, hurt, shame or guilt in that area. Some lose interest because all is well but not challenging. Some lose interest when something more exciting shows up.

But, certainly, when the interest is gone, the juice, the passion and mostly the wonder of curiosity will be gone.

So, How can you keep the interest going in your work, relationship, and life?  realizing that every minute is new. When you are engaging fully with people and activities, you will experience the relationship fully, you will be present, engaging, and engrossed with all that shows up waiting for the next moment, curious about the next moment in wonder and awe.

Being curious and waiting for the newness even though it appears that day after day it is similar.  Looking for the differences, looking for the creation of something new today within the same structure creates the excitement which keeps you curious leading to being interested.

Live as if every moment is new and filled with the potentiality of a new creation, because, it is!

Say it! Say it Your Way!

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This week I have been away from my usual scheduled life and have been writing for 12 hours a day.  I was struggling when I did not trust myself and my capabilities and kept looking at other writers and scholars.  Although I enjoy learning from all the experts and the masters in the arena of psychology, philosophy, and education, and I know that I have integrated their wisdom and knowledge within me for the past 30 years, I still had to allow myself to trust and share my experience of the past 30 years of sitting with my clients.

We all have something to say. This is very apparent in social media posts. The freedom to have a medium which you could share yourself with others has given lots of people the opportunity to do so.  There is also a sense of freedom that gets created when you are able to share who you are with people.  Remember that the sharing will not be one way, so when you share your opinions, others will also be inspired to share theirs with you. There might be some similarities, some differences, and some oppositions. You can see that in relationships with your mate, family, children, at work, and now in politics.

Maturing to emotional independence is really helpful and crucial when as an adult you put yourself out there and are sharing yourself. Emotional independence meaning for you to own your thoughts, opinions, feelings, emotions, actions and the possible impact that your attitude and sharing have on to others. Also, in receiving other people’s sharing, to be responsible and own your way of hearing, interpreting, feeling, and reacting and the possible impact of that way of being and acting on your life and others.

So, share yourself with people around you. Share who you are, your unique way of seeing things and experiencing the world.  Your way will always be unique to you, it is your signature. Share yourself respectfully. Honor others as you share your thoughts and opinions.  Also, honor the uniqueness of others as they share who they are. Share with kind intentions and receive other’s sharing as kind intentions. This is the way we can connect to each other, built trust and cohesiveness within our families and community.

Should I stay or Should I Leave?

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This week I have been working on and have faced this notion of being in a marriage or a relationship that no longer works and yet has so many benefits that make it hard to say goodbye. Relationships usually begin moving from the honeymoon stage to a  power struggle stage sometime after 6 months.  Many couples can come through and pass the power struggle stage.  Some get stuck in it and the everyday power struggle creates a loss of attraction for their mate.  The romantic relationship is based on attraction and desire and when that is gone, the core reason for the intimacy goes away.  Many couples also like the stability, financial security, being a parent, creating a family and a community within their marriage.  However, when the intimacy, attraction, and desire leaves the marriage, what is left is a functional relationship and not necessarily a joyous one.  For many couples, if the functionality and the communication work then they remain in the comfort of a functional relationship and may actually prefer it to singlehood.

When communication continues to be in the power struggle stage which looks like angry outbursts or demeaning remarks, sarcastic remarks,  avoidance of topics and ignoring each other’s needs, then there is no comfort left and either one of the partners or both think about ending the relationship. This stage begins a process of loss and bargaining.  The grief of losing the relationship plus the loss of the fantasy of the ideal desired relationship that they thought when they started their relationship with, begins.  There will still be some bargaining of “if you change to the way I want you to be, maybe I will reconsider”, however, this test also leans toward a set up for failure.  This process will continue until the negativity surpasses the positivity in the experience of one partner and then they call it quits.

I have sat through 30 years of these pains with my clients and have gone through this phase personally in the past.  It is one of the hardest places to be.  At times it appears that staying is painful and leaving is also painful.  Fear of harming their children and family members, fear of being alone, fear of not making it financially, fear of the unknown, fear of people’s judgment, fear of never finding their ideal relationship, fear of never experiencing love, and more becomes the vision of tomorrow. The pain of being alone inside the relationship, not being seen or heard, not cared for, feeling abused, feeling neglected and more will create a feeling of suffocation.

This ambivalence state might take years and when the pain of one side finally reaches optimum state there is a solid decision and action toward the position with the lesser pain.  Some couples decide to stay and change all of their expectations and reasons for staying and therefore adjust and adapt themselves to a new form of the same relationship. Some will jump into the unknown side of the future and move on through the pain of grief of what was and the anxiety of what will be for the hopes of a better tomorrow.

This decision is so personal and unique to each individual and the type of relationship that cannot be categorized to what is right or wrong and what should be done.  It is more of what each person is willing to tolerate and what price will each be willing to pay for what is desired to achieve.

Say it in a way that works

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Anger has been soaring in society, media, community, families, and couples.  Anger fuels anger. Angry outbursts create distrust, sense of danger, sense of uneasiness, insecurity, humiliation, disrespect, and destruction.  Usually, the person who is angry in their intimate relationship or marriage is not getting their needs met, feel threatened, have unfulfilled expectations, want to dominate or control, need to take a stance for something or more.  The person who is the recipient of the angry outburst might feel afraid, annoyed, stuck, humiliated, powerless, helpless, angry and seek revenge or retaliation and more.

The angry outburst although are communicating the intensity of the feeling, they are not clearly sending the message of what you really mean across. The intensity of the anger and the demeaning words that are used to put down another person takes away from the listening of the person being attacked.  A person who feels attacked could biologically only try to save themselves at that time, so they truly cannot be there for their angry mate.

So, if you are angry at your mate for any reason, remember dumping your anger at them will not get you what you want.  It will certainly make them want to run away from you and hide or want to fight back and crush you.  So far, you will not have a caring mate listening to you. Even if they give you what you want in that instance, they will do it by holding grudge and hatred. I promise you they will retaliate soon one way or another.

How would you be able to get your mate to listen? Well, being respectful will help.  Letting them know how much you appreciate who they are and acknowledging what they offer you in the relationship will certainly open the door for them to want to be close to you and get interested in what you have to say. Being clear in what has hurt you and stating it in a vulnerable way so that the effect of their action on you is being expressed.  Allow your sadness and disappointment to show letting your mate see and feel the impact of their action on you. Then request what you do need from them.  The odds in your mate hearing you and seeing you and wanting to give you what you want goes up.  They might not do exactly what you want to them to do, give them the opportunity to say what they can do for you, and then be open to negotiating what is possible that works for both of you.

People want to care for each other and do things for each other.  Being a mate is really a beautiful union for you to share your needs and know that you have someone who cares for you to fulfill your needs.  Being loving and courteous goes a longer way than lashing out your expectations and demands.

Love with every fiber of your being and share yourself with your mate.

Stop Looking Away & Connect

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I have been noticing the way we look away from our body and soul and how it creates so much misery for us.  When we don’t like something about our character or our situation, we tend to ignore, bargain, deny or look away.  The reality persists and we continue to spend our energy on refusing to deal with the reality at hand.

Whether this reality is not liking a part of our body, not controlling our eating habits, not disciplining ourselves to do work or exercise, not managing our emotions, not having the ability to say NO, not having the ability to ask for what we want, not having the courage to take a stand for what we want, not having the courage to leave a circumstance that we are unhappy with, or have the persistence to keep a commitment although it is hard.  You may add to this list looking at your life and relationships.

The awareness of your thoughts, emotions, intentions, behaviors and their impact on every layer of your relationship with yourself and others will help break the pattern of looking away.  Becoming aware of how you deal with yourself and people in different situations allows you to be in the driver seat of your life.

Being brutally honest and connecting with yourself will actually make you feel real and free. Remember that you can be brutally honest while you are caring and nurturing with your self.  Knowing what you desire, your strengths, vulnerabilities, shadow sides, capabilities, and disabilities will allow you to face the reality of who you are as is.  You can accept yourself as is first, and then, intend to shift any thoughts, emotions or behaviors that you dislike or does not work.  This process will create an integration of your internal process and congruency in expression with others, and therefore an experience of peace of mind.

Allowing yourself to connect with others from an integrated YOU with honesty,  vulnerability, and clarity about what you want to create in every relationship will bring you wholeness and joy.

We live in relationships. We define ourselves in relationships. We survive only because of our relationships.  We grow due to our relationships.  We deserve to have quality relationships.  It starts with us having a quality relationship with ourselves first.

May you be authentic and feel joyous with every connection. Create an amazing week for yourself and all around you.

Paying Attention is a Gift

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I wish that you had a wonderful week.  This week I have experienced this matter and I have been the recipient of this state from others so I thought  I would share it with you.  Have to ever had the feeling that you just have no patience for people, or you have no patience for a few particular people?  Have to ever been in a position that you wanted the attention of a friend, a mate, a family member, a boss, a co-worker, etc.  and you experienced that they are short and have no patience for you?

When we experience no patience for others around us, it might be that we are tired, or bored, or bottom line just no longer interested in the conversation.  At times we can physically be tired and no longer have the energy to spend on other people. At times we are mentally preoccupied and can not focus on other’s conversations and it appears that it is an intrusion in our psyche as we are trying to figure out something in our own head.  At times we are emotionally overwhelmed and have no more capacity to handle someone else’s emotions or think that they just don’t understand us.  When emotionally overwhelmed we might be so self-absorbed and already full that we may have no capacity for others’ emotions at that time.  At times we fixate people and assume that people are saying the same things as before and there is no newness in their conversation and therefore we lose interest.  At times we have other priorities and can not make the person in front of us a priority.  What other ways do you experience not having the patience for others?

The experience of being pushed away, not seen, not heard, hurried, neglected, belittled, and many more come up when we are the recipient of someone’s impatience toward us.  Feelings of fear, anxiety, shame, sadness, anger, frustration, disappointment and many more might be experienced by being the one who needs or desires to gain some attention and does not.  What are some of the feelings or experiences that you have experienced when you have been the recipient of other’s impatience?

I suggest for someone who is getting impatient to become honest with themselves and respect their own needs, and then communicate clearly to the person what type of attention you could offer and the actual reason of why you would not want to pay attention at this time.  Simply get interested in who you are as well as them.  Get courteous and either pay attention or tell them kindly, and authentically what is going on with you that does not allow you to pay attention.

If you are the recipient, I suggest actually pay attention to the person whom you are seeking attention from and see what is going on with them. Share with them your experience of them not being, present and you wondered if there was anything going on with them. Request for them to pay attention.  Request from them to share with you what they heard from you and that you love to hear their opinion. Get them engaged.  If that does not work, then respectfully remove yourself, respect their space, and don’t take it personally.

Paying attention to each other is the biggest gift that we can give to one another. Give the gift of yourself to your surrounding and receive the amazing gift of love that is around you.