Inner Voice – Heartfelt Chat with Dr. Foojan on KMET 1490 AM / ABC News Radio. In this segment- Sexuality & Teens- Dr. Foojan shares the Tip of the Week about how to handle procrastination. She will answer the question of how to let go of negativity all day in the Ask Me segment. Dr. Foojan brings you Natasja Visser, an experienced counselor, and coach who specializes in working with children, adolescents, and families. She has developed expertise in teen-parent conflict resolution, especially in the context of healthy sexuality. We talk about how to talk to your teens about sexuality.
When there is a gap between intention and action, most people call it procrastination. I have been conversing with clients and colleagues about the cause, the process, and how to overcome procrastinating.
I have noticed that no one talks about procrastinating for what they love to do and are passionate about. Mostly you hear people procrastinate about tasks that they think should be done for a future reward, not for the joy of the task itself.
Some scientists state that it is a lack of self-regulation. Some suggest that it is the inability to manage time or emotions. Others state that it is when a person recognizes the future consequences of what they are doing, but they can’t overcome the emotional urge toward a diversion. Another study showed self-control only succumbs to temptation when present emotions can be improved as a result. Some psychologists believe that the process is caused by the inconsistency of the parenting style of teaching delayed gratification. Others might see the cause as the authoritarian style of parenting which has produced an aversion for a person who might have seen their parents forcing them to do tasks vs. listening to what they enjoyed it.
The process usually appears as a nudge from a part of us that reminds us that we have to do a task such as write a paper, pay a bill, wash the dishes, call a person, study, etc. Another part ignores the reminder and diverts to a task that is more enjoyable. Some debate in their mind about why they need to do another task first that was on the list before they will take directives from that part. Some outright rebel against that part of themselves as if the demand is coming from their authoritative parent. Almost all wait until the last second before the ultimate consequence shows up before rushing the task. Feel anxious, sad, angry, irritated, shameful, guilty disgusted, hopeless, and powerless. No matter what the cause or the process, it is important for anyone to master the game of setting an intention followed by action in a timely matter to create a successful and fulfilled life.
I suggest the following steps:
Make your calendar your best friend
Share all that needs to be done with your best friend, the calendar
Fill up all of its time with actions that you do whether you think it is mundane or not
Fill in time for sleep, hygiene, work, school, socialization, hobby, tasks, etc.
Observe your inner dialogue for the above reasons of postponing a task
Accept the part that is resisting
Find a reward system or action that motivates you
Associate some reward while doing a task (ex. eat your favorite snack while doing the task)
Create task time with intermittent rewards in between (ex. Every 20 min. play a game for 10 min. then go back to the original task)
Set up a prize reward system at the end. (etc. get a massage, take a bath, go to dinner with a friend)
Record the sense of accomplishment and positive feelings via journaling or sharing it verbally with a friend or a mate. Validate yourself for a job well done.
Remember, the joy is in the confidence of the ability to learn and accomplish and not just the result. Begin seeing any task as PLAY and you would be eager to jump into it. That is what children do, everything is PLAY.
Inner Voice – Heartfelt Chat with Dr. Foojan on KMET 1490 AM / ABC News Radio. In this segment- Hope & Resiliency- Dr. Foojan shares the Tip of the Week about how to handle your dualities when making a decision. She will answer the question of how to handle your relationship with your elder parents who are constantly arguing in the Ask Me segment. Dr. Foojan brings you Dr. Don Meichenbaum, a Distinguished Professor of Emeritus from the University of Waterloo in Ontario Canada. And He is the Research Director of the Melissa Institute for Violence Prevention in Miami. http://www.melissainstitute.org . He is one of the founders of Cognitive behavior therapy and he was voted ” one of the ten most influential psychotherapists of the 20th century.” By clinicians. He has received a Lifetime Achievement Award from the Clinical Division of the American Psychological Association and was Honorary President of the Canadian Psychological Association. He has presented in all 50 U.S. states and internationally and he has published extensively. His latest book is ” Treating individuals with addictive disorders”. http://roadmaptoresilience.wordpress.com
This week I have been working with facing duality inside of us which ends up paralyzing us toward any action. This has been very prevalent in the decision-making of whether one wants to stay in a relationship or move on, whether one should stay at a job or leave to another position, or if one should end a business partnership or not.
How do we make the best decision for us when each part of us wants and needs different outcomes? What is the best decision? How do we come to alignment and agreement between our separate parts?
One of the biggest inner conflicts is when the situation we are in is not ideal. If we stay in the relationship, we are not completely fulfilled, and it feels not enough. If we let go of the current relationship for the hope of an ideal future relationship, we might lose what we have now. At times we just cling to what we have with a sense of resignation and victimization, while we yearn for the ideal relation to just fall into our lap with a guarantee of giving us all we want. Some people wait passively while they look eagerly out there. Some become depressed since they lose hope from having the current relationship work and lose hope for ever getting what they want. And some continue with the agony of vacillation between staying and leaving daily.
At times we enter a relationship whether it is a romantic/ intimate one, or business, or work relation with the most immediate need, such as “I am lonely”, or “I need money”, or “this opportunity is too good to pass up”. After fulfilling the existing need, other needs that are necessary to be fulfilled show up, such as “I want someone who is emotionally mature”, or “I need my autonomy”. People try to fulfill their other needs within the structure of the same relationship, however, the relationship might have never been set up to fulfill all other needs. Hence, the duality of fulfilling all needs simultaneously begins.
Take the following steps:
Observe your different needs
Write them down – What is your request?
Can you fulfill parts of your needs in this relationship?
Have you communicated to your partner about your needs?
Is your partner capable of offering you a solution to fulfill the need within the structure of your current relationship?
Is your need a current and appropriate adult need, or it is a childhood unfulfilled need or an unrealistic need?
Write the pros and cons of staying in the relationship
Write the pros and cons of leaving the relationship
Put two chairs in front of each other and assign “Staying” to one chair and “Leaving” to another
Sit on the “Staying” position chair and talk about the rationale and your emotions of the need to stay
Sit on the “Leaving position” chair and talk about the rationale and your emotions of the need to leave
Keep going back and forth until you come to some defined negotiation
Then stand tall on top of both chairs and be the mediator between the two parts
Take your pros and cons sheet to 5 people that you trust and ask their opinion about it
Inner Voice – Heartfelt Chat with Dr. Foojan on KMET 1490 AM / ABC News Radio. In this segment- Seeing Strength Everywhere- Dr. Foojan shares the Tip of the Week about having wonder and curiosity instead of getting stuck with our righteousness. She will answer the question of why people make us angry in the Ask Me segment. Dr. Foojan brings you Dr. Jeffrey Zeig, a psychologist, the Founder, and Director of the Milton H. Erickson Foundation. He has authored and co-authored more than 20 books that appear in twelve foreign languages. Dr. Zeig is the architect of The Evolution of Psychotherapy Conferences considered the most important conferences in the history of psychotherapy. We talk about the state of depression and how to shift your perspective. www.jeffreyzeig.com / www.emotionalimpact.net
I feel blessed this week to observe children’s emotions and experiences and how that relates to us as adults.
What I have been privy to is the purity of the emotions of young children as they are felt and expressed, the need for love and caring, and the willingness to let go and forgive the world outside when it is not to their liking when they experience love and care from their surrounding. The flow of information as it comes in from the outside world, how they incorporate and categorize into their system, and how each one of them is a little teacher who teaches their younger sibling immediately, and even correct you as you are making a mistake or state things that are not a match.
For example, The cutest 5 years old girl was told to cut her nails so that they won’t scratch her or others and keep her nails clean. She saw my long nails, and said: “you need to cut your nails so that you don’t scratch yourself or me”. When I answered “thank you for letting me know, I like my nails long, I think they look prettier long. When you are older, you may also choose to keep them long.” She looked at me trying to figure out why pretty nails could not be for little girls and only for big girls. A week later, as she saw me opening things up with my nails. She said “oh, you must be keeping your nails long so that you can open up things with it.” Then we were picking up label stamps and my long nails were useful to pull up the stamps. She says, “let me use your nails to do this. They are useful now”.
This aspect of learning, using what is learned, sharing what is learned, the openness to see and hear information that is the opposite of what is learned and instructed, and find new reasons for its applicability are a spectacular process of human beings.
When do we lose this amazing capability, close down and say that the information I have acquired so far is enough and now I will become righteous about it? Or I will no longer accept any new, different, or opposite views or all views that are not similar to mine are obviously are wrong, and mine is the only right one.
If the above sentences seem exaggerated to you, I invite you to see in which areas of your life you have become righteous and no longer open yourself to new, different, or opposing information. Your intimate relationship? Career? Parenting? Views on politics? Views on society?
As you notice the areas of your life that you have closed yourself to new ideas and views, check to see what happened, what event in your life made you close down, see if you would be open to considering expanding your experience, your outlook, and your life paradigm. There is a vast amount of knowledge and wisdom above and beyond you waiting for you to experience it.
Some people experience fear of expansion, fear of the unknown, and want to stick to the limited known knowledge to feel safe and secure. As if keeping a limiting structure would give them a guarantee of repeated safe results. Soon to be stripped of that delusion from the process of life itself.
Limiting yourself and becoming righteous does not guarantee safety and security. It only aggravates you and the people around you. You are not intended to be limited. Look at what human beings have accomplished. You deserve to experience it all.
So let’s bring the part of us that we each possessed in our childhood back to the present every day living and enjoy life – Bring the essence of wonder, curiosity, openness to all that life brings, and forgiveness when faced with adversities.
Inner Voice – Heartfelt Chat with Dr. Foojan on KMET 1490 AM / ABC News Radio. In this segment- From Evil to Hero- Dr. Foojan shares the Tip of the Week about choosing your words wisely, they represent you and create your results. She will share how to live a purposeful life after 60 in the Ask me segment. Dr. Foojan will bring you Dr. Philip Zimbardo – one of the world’s most renowned psychologists, and a professor emeritus at Stanford University. Author of many amazing books such as The Lucifer Effect, Shyness, Man Interrupted, The Time Paradox, and The Time Cure. He is also the founder and president of the Heroic Imagination Project. Chatting about the concept of how people can act evil or heroic, Shyness, and the concept of how people live in six-time zones. www.heroicimagination.org
This week I have been working on how much our words matter, it can break or build our relationships, outcomes, and reputation.
Our words are a representation of who we are inside. Our words are our thoughts, feelings, and our behavior wrapped into one. The impact of a loving word can build a lifetime of confidence for our children, and create joy for our mate, friends and family. The impact of words of commitment bonds a marriage for years. An inspiring word can make someone at work reach their optimum potential of creativity and productivity. An abusive word can break your child’s heart. A belittling word can damage a friendship. Telling a lie breaks trust.
Since our words are a combination of our thoughts, intentions, feelings and show up through the behavior of talking or writing, choosing our words to create a particular result becomes important. Behaviors have consequences and at times irreversible ones. We can choose to use our words to share who we are authentically or manipulate others to gain something that we think we couldn’t get if we simply stated the truth.
So, observe yourself
How do you use your words?
to raise positivity for others?
to dump your feeling?
to share your love?
Have you recognized the impact of your words? Positive or Negative?
Have you noticed the impact of other people’s words on you?
Have you observed your own words toward yourself?
Choose your words wisely, they represent you, and create your results.
Inner Voice – Heartfelt Chat with Dr. Foojan on KMET 1490 AM / ABC News Radio. In this segment- Experiencing Openness – Dr. Foojan shares the Tip of the Week about being responsible for clarifying misinterpretations and what is in your mind. She shares about how to handle your fear about needing to satisfy everyone else in the Ask me segment. She will share the latest Research about frequent cannabis use being associated with a two-point decline in IQ. Especially verbal IQ. Dr. Foojan will bring you Amoda Maa a spiritual teacher, a warrior of the heart, sharing a fresh approach to the age-old search for spiritual freedom. And the author of Falling Open in a World Falling Apart. www.AmodaMaa.com
This week I have been noticing a lot of miscommunications between people. I have seen it between myself and my clients, couples, family members, and co-workers. This week has brought lots of sensitivities to the surface. When stress is high for people, they tend to be more sensitive, therefore, their listening might become defensive rather than from an open heartfelt place. This is a common occurrence.
I have had to clean up misinterpretations from how I have come across to my clients and how they have perceived my intention. When I have said something and the interpretation was that I was not caring or listening or don’t understand, I needed to make sure that I apologized for coming across in a way that my conversation could be interpreted in a non-caring or harsh way. I also have had to ponder about what was going inside me that with all the best intention, my tonality or my words appeared harsh to the listener. Thankfully all miscommunications were cleared up and reconnection has happened. I am observing myself to see what and how subconsciously is relaying to the listener.
I have also observed couples that have dragged out arguments for weeks based on misinterpretations. One partner states a complaint so that they get heard and hopefully for the matter to get fixed. However, the other partner hears the complaint as an attack, or a demeaning sentence and feel angry or humiliated. When each person clarifies the meaning of what was said, then the two can begin moving forward with the intended communication. If they don’t clarify and just argue, it takes a long time to get out of defense/ attack mode. This way they continue to hurt each other.
No one knows what another person is thinking or feeling. At best we can assume and guess. The problem escalates when we think our assumption and projection is accurate and react according to our personal projection without doing a reality check. I read this quote that rings true:
“Between what I think – What I want to say – What I believe I’m saying – What I say – What you want to hear – What you hear – What you believe you understand – What you want to understand – and what you understand – There are at least 9 possibilities for misunderstanding“
When you have said or done something that has hurt someone and they get the courage to tell you they are upset:
Listen with compassion,
go into their world,
see how they have been affected,
what did they perceive that hurt them,
apologize for what you have done that was perceived as intentional hurt or that it hurt even though they knew you did not intend to hurt them,
Let them know what you meant to say that was misinterpreted
Take responsibility for the way you have stated it that created the misinterpretation
Let them know that you would like to reconnect with them and mend the relationship
Ask for future ways that the other person likes to be communicated to
Let them know how you would like to be communicated to