Endings might be hard but they are the gateway to a new beginning

What is it about facing endings, that jolts us into a reevaluation of the past and the future?
I have been talking to clients and colleagues about facing endings this week.  Facing ending their career and moving on to retirement. Facing getting a divorce and ending their commitment to their marriage. Facing ending being a stay home mom due to all children moving to college. Facing closing a business that has not been fruitful, and so on…..

It does not matter if the ending of a phase of life is due to natural positive growth or it is due to a disruptive negative consequence, there is still a common process.  Some resist the process and go through it with anxiety and agitation, while some go through it as an observation of what was and what is to become. 

As I spoke with someone who is facing retirement, he shared reevaluating the vision of his future, the last 10-20 active years of his life. Completing his responsibilities and going around the world. He no longer needed to consider anyone else. He saw it as his right to move on and do what he wants to do, whether his wife wanted to join or not. 

I spoke with a young woman who is getting a divorce. She shared the vision of herself as a powerful woman who wanted to be a great mother and reevaluated her fantasy about marriage and her criteria for decision-making prior to her first marriage.  

Talking to a man who wanted to close his business after several years as he reevaluated his myths about having a business and what he learned that he can use in his life. 

And the woman who although her wish for her children to be successful and launching from home is coming true is facing her identity as a mother ending while she has no idea who she is and who she will be.  Sadness, fear, anxiety, and excitement are all being fully experienced. 

The realization that all phases will end and new beginnings will be there, may allow us to move through the process with some finesse.  Allowing the grief process to emerge and to be complete for any stage of life that is ending is a necessary step. A positive vision of what the future may hold will also call us forward toward actualizing the vision.  

People who try to skip the grief process, distract or numb themselves through the process won’t get away from it, just prolong it.  Grieving might be acknowledging and going through the sadness, valuing what it was, and saying goodbye with grace. Cherishing the value and the goodness that was brought into our life.  The strength and the skill that was learned that can be utilized for the future. Completing and having the willingness to let go. 

Most times the process of letting go and grieving can be side by side with the process of moving forward toward the vision of the next phase of life.  Asking yourself, what is next for me? What is my passion? What is it that I have not done and always wanted to do? What is left for me to learn? What inspires me? Who do I intend to be? 

Create a realistic vision for yourself. Collage about it and put it where you can constantly see it.

Change is inevitable, Growth is inescapable. Let go with grace. Move forward with excitement and finesse. 

For more observational  and methods to envision the future go to my book:  “Life Reset – The Awareness Integration Path to the Life You Want”

Love

Foojan

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Being Better – Dr. Foojan Zeine chats with Kai Whiting about Stoicism for a World Worth Living In

https://www.podbean.com/media/share/pb-6jqiq-1065007

Inner Voice – a Heartfelt Chat with Dr. Foojan on KMET 1490 AM / ABC News Radio.  In this segment –Being Better- Dr. Foojan shares the Tip of the Week about people who are facing the pain of watching a family member or a friend suffer from an illness. It is tough, but there is a way to make it easier on you. She also shares about listening to someone who is ill and needs compassion even though they are being difficult. Dr. Foojan Chats with Kai Whiting, a lecturer, and researcher in Stoicism and sustainability at UC Louvain, Belgium. Kai Whiting and Leo Konstantakos, authors of the intriguing new book, BEING BETTER: Stoicism for a World Worth Living In. Both inspiring and engaging, the book tackles two common myths about Stoicism. www.stoickai.com

 

Check my website: http://www.foojan.com

 

 

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When someone we love is suffering….

This week I have been working with many people, friends, colleagues, and clients who are facing the pain of watching a family member or a friend suffer from an illness – Depression, bio-polar, cancer, dementia, MS, Parkinson, and chronic pain.

Being a caretaker for someone who is suffering from an illness is filled with mixed emotions.  It is difficult to feel that you deserve to rest, take a breather, be happy, or enjoy anything around while a loved one is suffering.  The emotion of powerlessness creates depression. The attempt to kick out of this powerlessness at times leads to many desperate actions that do not necessarily help anything, but it depletes one’s energy and financial resource. 

The process of grief already starts, knowing that you will be losing someone, experiencing the helplessness, and watching the process of deterioration becomes heart-wrenching.  At times when others say so nonchalantly to get over it and that is just life, brings about rage. Facing, living with, and interacting with a loved one who can be needy, irritated, or demanding is tough. 

Listening to others who try to be positive and give a general sentence of “It will all be ok” creates disconnection. It is as if nothing can help.  Trying to keep pseudo-positive in front of the loved one that is suffering so that it does not affect them is tiring. The responsibility of being a caretaker is heavy and tiresome.  
So what can lighten this process up?

Self-care

  1. Know that all that I mentioned above are normal reactions of a compassionate human being.  
  2. Your experience and reactions may differ and be unique to you. Honor them.
  3. Create “away time” – physically and emotionally – you need to rest and be away from the pain sometime during the day and week.
  4. Set up one caring and pampering act for yourself – massage, nature walk, exercise, Yoga, meditation, etc. per day.
  5. Be present with your loved ones no matter what condition they are in. You don’t have to fix this. You can’t fix this. Just be with them.
  6. Your love and acceptance will go a long way for you and them.
  7. Be respectful to your body and psyche. When you feel like you are reaching your limit, remove yourself, take care of yourself and then come back.
  8. Find resources and support. Ask for help. 
  9. Assess what is in your control and what isn’t. Let go of what is not in your control, and act on what you can do. 
  10. Assess what action can actually be beneficial and only spend your energy on those tasks.

You deserve to live a happy life even though a loved one is suffering.  For more awareness and ways to learn about yourself go to my book – “Life Reset – The Awareness Integration Path to Create the Life You Want”.

Love

Foojan

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Being efficient and purposeful in Life – Dr. Foojan Chats with Maryanne O’Hara about Grief and Light

https://www.podbean.com/media/share/pb-8qp56-105a9ee

 Inner Voice – a Heartfelt Chat with Dr. Foojan on KMET 1490 AM / ABC News Radio.  In this segment –Being efficient and purposeful in Life- Dr. Foojan shares the Tip of the Week about how to stop wasting your good time and energy on pointless thoughts and emotions and how to become efficient in spending your mental and emotional energy.  Then she shares the answer in the Ask Me segment of why we use sarcasm and the effects of it.  She brings you MARYANNE O’HARA the author of the novel Cascade—the Boston Globe Book Club’s inaugural pick, a finalist for the Massachusetts Book Award, and a People Book of the Week.  In this show, they talk about her latest book “Little Matches – A Memoir of Grief and Light” based on the 9LivesNotes blog she kept while her daughter, Caitlin, waited for a lung transplant.  A great conversation about life, the end of life, growing your soul, the emotional aspects of coming to term with your life, and much more.  https://www.maryanneohara.com.  Please check out my website: www.foojan.com  

 

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Efficiency of Thoughts and Action

Have you ever noticed when your internal opinions and dialogues are irrelevant, pointless, and are just wasting your valuable time and energy?

Imagine sitting in your home or apartment.  Hearing noise from other apartments or homes. Your mind starts wandering, checking the noise out.  First, you may check to see if all is safe, then you may assess to see if you can do anything about the matter.  So far so good- definitely relevant and necessary.  Then you may begin assuming and fabricating “what-if” scenarios about the neighbor and what might be happening and then assert an opinion of what you like or dislike, or that they should or should not be doing such and such.  This is when thoughts and opinions become irrelevant and unnecessary.  

Although as human beings you are wired to constantly evaluate and have thoughts and opinions about all stimulus that enters your world, it is important to be efficient about the time and energy you spend on thoughts, emotions, and behaviors.

Someone who is upset about their co-worker’s ways of relating to her children, although the co-workers life has no bearing on this person’s life, someone who spends most hours of the day angry at their siblings for acting a particular way while they have no authority to make decisions for them, and someone who everyday punishes her parents in her own mind about who they were and how they treated her when she was a child while knowing that she has no way of changing the events of the past, are all the ways that one might spend or better stated – waist good energy and time over irrelevant matter which would make it pointless. Unless someone enjoys this way of thinking as dramatic internal entertainment, it may have no other useful application. 

So, observe

  • In what ways do you waste your time and energy on irrelevant matters?
  • What do you consider irrelevant? 
  • In what areas do you insist that you have to have an opinion while no one is really listening or applying your opinion? 
  • How much time do you spend time on matters that uproar you emotionally?
  • How many of these matters you actually do something that makes a difference for you or others?
  • What would you pay attention to instead if you chose to let go of the irrelevant thoughts?

I suggest 

  • Observe your thoughts
  • Assess if this matter is impacting you directly or indirectly
  • Assess if you have the ability to do something about it
  • Assess if you have jurisdiction, authority, control, or the ability to influence the matter
  • Assess if your opinion and actions would benefit you or others
  • Act if you choose to
  • If the answer to all or most of the above assessment is No, then drop it and move on to a thought and action that is useful and beneficial for you and others. 

That is what we call efficiency in thought, emotion, and action.

For more observational tools in every area of your life, go to my book: LifeReset: The Awareness Integration Path to Create the Life You Want.  (hyperlink)

Love

Foojan

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Transforming YOU transforms the surrounding – Dr. Foojan Zeine chats with Dr. Behnam Tabrizi

https://www.podbean.com/media/share/pb-f6za4-10504e9

Inner Voice – a Heartfelt Chat with Dr. Foojan on KMET 1490 AM / ABC News Radio.  In this segment – Transforming YOU transforms the surrounding – Dr. Foojan shares the Tip of the Week about how to feel blessed with all the little matters in our relationships and life. Ways how to go from misery to feeling blessed. She chats with Dr. Behnam Tabrizi is a world-renowned expert in Organizational and Leadership Transformation, best-selling author, and an award-winning teacher, scholar, and global advisor. Stanford University Director Executive Program and Faculty.  He has authored six books on leading innovation and change. His latest book, The Inside-Out Effect: A Practical Guide to Transformational Leadership, is an international bestseller and was featured by the Washington Post as its best book on the subject of leadership.  He has advised thousands of global CEOs and leaders in a wide range of industries—including high-tech (Apple, Google, Amazon, Microsoft, Facebook, IBM, and HP), banking and finance, retail, and healthcare.  He has been an adviser to the President of the United States, his cabinet, and the top leadership team at the European Union.

https://www.linkedin.com/in/behnamtabrizi/ 

 

 

Please check out my website: http://www.foojan.com 

 

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And Sometimes Why – Dr. Foojan chats with Kathy Kaveh, novelist about migrating, mental health & Addiction

https://www.podbean.com/media/share/pb-7tu97-1046b5c

Inner Voice – a Heartfelt Chat with Dr. Foojan on KMET 1490 AM / ABC News Radio.  In this segment –And Sometimes Why – Dr. Foojan shares the Tip of the Week about how your dualities create confusion for you and others. Getting integrated by becoming aware of your different or opposing needs, negotiating within yourself, and becoming unified, bringing your thoughts, word, and action in alignment is so crucial. She shares with you how to handle other people’s opinions about you, being proud instead of afraid in the Ask me segment. Then, she brings you, Kathy Kaveh, a writer, editor and ghostwriter. You can find articles and blogs in The Huffington Post and The Elephant Journal, among others.  We will be talking about her novel, And Sometimes Why.

www.andsometimeswhynovel.comKathykavehwrites@gmail.com

 

Please check out my website: http://www.foojan.com 

 

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Get Your Dualities Unified

We are all filled with dualities.  When those dualities show up in our conversations, others get confused, lose trust, and get angry. 

As human beings, we are constantly experiencing dualities in ideas or behaviors. We can be conscious of some of these dualities such as knowing what to eat, or how to exercise, or how to manage time, state that we are committed to doing it, but take no action.There are times that we say our belief about a matter and not be conscious that we do the opposite, such as stating “I am honest and don’t like people who lie”, but lie constantly and have justifications for it. 

When our dualities only affect us, we tend not to have the results we want. When our dualities affect others, we lose the quality of our relationships.  People can’t count on us, lose respect and trust, hold back and doubt who we are or our intentions.  Teenagers start calling their parent “a hypocrite”.  

These types of expressions of dualities create many marital arguments.  Since a married couple makes many decisions together in all areas of life, clarity and consistency become very important. 

Sometimes there is no duality, it is just a lack of clear communication. One part of the thought process has been shared while another part has not been expressed.  Which still leaves the listener confused when they see an action that is not based on what they heard or expected first.

Clarity in communication is important, however, the most important factor that would be a prerequisite for that communication is internal clarity.  It is the awareness of our different part’s needs, desires, and vulnerabilities that are important. The process of negotiation between the parts facilitates the integration, therefore creating a sense of integrity and wholeness between our thoughts, emotions, and action. 

When we become conscious of our impact on our surroundings and watch for other’s reactions to our actions, and seek feedback from others about us, we become in-tuned about our dualities and can begin to integrate our different or opposing beliefs. Our conversations and actions will then be based on a unified inner self. An alignment between our thoughts, words, and actions brings integrity and congruency within ourselves and in relation to others.

For the awareness and integration skills go to my book – Life Reset- The Awareness Integration Path to the Life You Want. 

Love

Foojan

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Love & Loss

Talking to colleagues, clients, and friends about Love and Loss brought up an interesting conversation.   I have experienced Love and Loss as the two sides of a coin that moves along on a parallel process. Love in relationships comes along with a sense of attachment which in turn has to face the possibility of loss at every moment.   

In a healthy relationship, one moves from one phase of the relationship to another. Each transition takes letting go of that last phase of the relationship. Letting go of singlehood toward gaining couplehood, the loss of honeymoon stage as one move toward the next stage, loss of loverhood era to parenthood, letting go of being needed as a parent when children grow up, are all different ways that one goes through the natural transition of life and experience love and loss. 

When we lose someone we love, whether is due to divorce, death, migration, or phase of life issues we go through a deep grief process. Each one of us goes through our process in a unique way depending on our style of attachment. Some get caught in denying and refusing to experience loss by acting as if nothing happened, for example holding on to the clothes or the room as it was when the person was alive. 

Some fight the loss and get angry at the person for leaving or dying or doctors for letting this happen. Some bargain with many what if’s and hope to find the right scenario for the loss to go away and wake up from this bad dream to find the person again. Some go into despair and hopelessness and loss of their own identity. Some question the notion and the meaning of love and life while they face loss.  

I have noticed that as one reaches the sadness of compassion for the self, healing happens. The love that was geared toward being fulfilled from the outside, comes from the inside toward the self. Completion with the relationship and the person also helps. Looking at what we learned from the relationship helps us with this completion and therefore letting go. 

Acceptance of loss as a natural part of life, as a natural growth of human beings, and as a natural phase of relationships will allow us to pass through these processes with grace. 

Allowing ourselves to accept loss as a natural ongoing phase, will help us not get stuck in the denial or fight it. Therefore, as we anticipate loss, we can also engage fully in relationships and life when it is present. 

Some people due to their original negative experience of anxious attachment with their caregiver, experiencing extreme loss as a trauma in childhood, or the pain of losing a loved one, generalize this experience and live with constant fear and pain of loss. Reparenting the self and healing our childhood traumas will help us unite our different parts and become whole. We can then cherish the feeling of love and experience it fully when it is present and grieve it appropriately when it is lost versus living in the loss every day. 

An expectation of the experience of love as a constant matter is an illusion, loss will be there no matter what. Generating love consistently regardless of the loss for yourself and others will create full enjoyment and will pull you through when you face loss. 

For more ways in healing the self through these process go to my book “Life Reset – The Awareness Integration Path to the Life You Want”. 

Love

Foojan

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From Hate to Love – Dr. Foojan Zeine chats with Dr. Authur Ciaramicoli about American Reunited

https://www.podbean.com/media/share/pb-xdeue-103c8a2

Inner Voice – a Heartfelt Chat with Dr. Foojan on KMET 1490 AM / ABC News Radio.  In this segment –From Hate to Love – Dr. Foojan shares the Tip of the Week about why we give up and what to be aware of so that we don’t.  Then she shares with you how we go from love to separateness and back in the Ask me segment.  Then, I bring you Dr. Arthur Ciaramicoli is a licensed clinical psychologist who has been treating clients for more than 35 years.  He has been on the faculty of Harvard Medical School for several years.  Autor of American Reunited – A Relational Solution to Bridging the Political, Social and Personal Chasm Dividing our Nation. www.balanceyoursuccess.com

 

Please check out my website: http://www.foojan.com 

 

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