I have noticed when we are not committed to peace and happiness inside of us and with others, we constantly create fights in our own head and then outside with others which in return feeds the inner fighting dialogue with a sense of entitlement. This vicious cycle continues all day.
The reason I mentioned a commitment to peace and happiness is that no one stays in these states constantly. Our thoughts and emotions are always vacillating. There are many good reasons for us to feel angry or sad all day. However, the commitment to be in peace and state of happiness allows us to reroute our attention, thoughts, intention toward ways of thinking and behaving so that we return to the state of peace and happiness instead of roaming around for hours and days in fear, sadness, and anger.
You don’t get to choose the automatic thoughts and emotions that arise constantly within you. You do have the choice of committing yourself to a state of peace and happiness and therefore shifting your thoughts, emotions, and behaviors toward creating and sustaining peace and happiness. You certainly deserve to be in peace and to be Happy.
Create an amazing week ahead for yourself and others around you.
Dating is one of the biggest aspects of life, and as such it is one of the most common topics in therapy. In particular, issues regarding approaching someone you are interested in are very common. One of the most common issues is people not knowing how to approach a person they find attractive.
We learn a lot from our parents, but dating usually is not something we learn from them. It’s also difficult to learn from our friends because we don’t always have their personalities.
- The right way to approach someone is to be process oriented rather than goal oriented. Instead of trying to get a date, get a girlfriend/ boyfriend, or even just score, you need to view it as getting to know another person. As long as you see it from this perspective, it stops you from performing an act – instead, the main aspect of your encounter becomes sharing yourself with another human being. Here is a homework assignment for you: go out and have a good conversation with any girl or guy you think is attractive, but person-to-person, with no agenda other than just enjoying the conversation; don’t even consider asking her/ him out for coffee. When you get used to the concept of engaging in a continuing dialogue with strangers – having the audacity to shift from just sitting in a coffee shop to having a full on natural conversation about the coffee, the weather, her/his shoes, or whatever topic is present in the moment – you can move on to the next step.
- Get out of your brain. You do not need to try to be perfect, right, nice, or smart. It will make you very anxious. Being caught up with yourself will hide your sexual energy, the component of you that creates attraction. Your anxiety and thought processes will stand in the way of that sexual energy and your ability to be flirtatious. When speaking to someone you are interested in, you need to be present and comfortable in your own body, speaking about the same things you would otherwise, except feeling and embracing your sexuality within the context of the conversation. This will change your natural body language, causing it to express nonverbal cues communicating your interest to the other person. If this ignites the other person’s interest, you will naturally enter a phase of flirtation and excitation, where you communicate via spoken word and body language both. As a result, it will become easier to ask someone out casually, working along the lines of “we’re enjoying this conversation so much we should get together to continue it.” At the next conversation you can move to the next level and ask for a date.
- From a girl’s perspective, there is a cultural idea that girls have to be asked out rather than doing the asking themselves. Girls can be assertive if they want, but it is far more common to be pursued. So, even if they are interested in someone, they won’t convey that interest directly.
People at a slightly older age might be looking for a more permanent relationship. Sometimes, they end up dealing with the dating process as if they are evaluating portfolios, rather than just enjoying the process, assessing who their date is, and figuring out if they could have a good relationship with them, they treat it almost like a job interview. This approach doesn’t work for two reasons:
- One, by treating a date like a job interview, the fun aspect of dating gets diminished. Treating a date like a formal interview inevitably prevents you from getting another date.
- Two, people are not usually clear on what they want; being unclear in an interview setting can be very awkward, while being clear to yourself with what you want will allow you to evaluate your date in a more casual manner.
- One way you can get clear on your own is by listing out 100 items of what you would want from an ideal relationship – not just your partner but also the relationship itself. Maybe the first ten to fifteen items are cliché things we all want, then another 15 are a bit more specific, coming from things you’ve learned from past relationships and the people around you. Then the stretching begins. You need to observe other people, ask friends and family, read books and watch movies, and figure out what you really want. Thus, you go from wanting “this size, this tall, kind, loving,” to what type of relationship we want: clear communication, honesty, security, e.g.. When you write the list of 100, you see how much you yourself fit into your ideal relationship, what you want to offer and what you yourself bring to the table. Of course, you don’t bring the physical list on dates, but the act of thinking about what you want helps you naturally figure out if your date is a good match.
- The time you spend going out with someone is for the sake of the idea that you are going to meet with another human being and find out whether this human will match what you want for a date or not. Even if you’re looking for the perfect job, you don’t treat any interview for a less than perfect job as pointless; you treat each interview as if it’s the exact one you want. You should do the same thing when dating. Like interviewing for a job, where there is a lot you can learn just from the process of going through interviews, there is a lot you can learn just from going on dates. You enjoy the process, bringing your thoughts, emotions, and sexual energy to the present moment. Different parts of you get shared, then you sense if the same thing happened for the other person. The date itself is about getting to know someone and enjoying the time you spend with them. However, subconsciously, you have things that you want out of a relationship. In order to have a good relationship, you need to become consciously aware of what you really want; the more you do your own homework of your own needs, likes, and dislikes, the more apt you will be to share and ask on a date in a natural way.
It should be noted that these issues are not gender-specific; it isn’t only men that have trouble approaching someone they are interested in, and it isn’t only women who have issues with evaluating their dates. These issues come up at different points in your life, and it is important to be able to recognize and deal with them if you want to have a happy relationship.
Dr. Foojan Zeine www.foojan.com
Could every thing really be entirely your fault? The answer is NO. So, if you have a way of thinking that constantly blames you, then you are really suffering from low self-esteem. But wait, you must also think that you are so grand and powerful in the world that you are responsible for all that happens, and yet clumsy enough, so that you don’t do it right.
So let’s put things in perspective. When something happens and we do not like the result, we usually try to analyze and then see what went wrong and automatically put the blame on some one. Some people will blame others and not take responsibility for their action and some people will put all the responsibility on themselves. The reality is that many factors are at play and tere is never all or nothing.
When a result does not turn out the way we want it, what can I do?
- Go over the event from the beginning and write it down as it appears to you
- Become aware of your role in the event, your thoughts, your feelings, your intentions, your behaviors
- See if your way of behaving was in tune with your original intention
- Did your intention change in the middle of the process
- Assess to find what did you have control over and what was out of your control
- Analyze how did you handle the area that you had some control over
- What have you learned from this interaction that can be useful if the same matters or similar matters happen again
- Acknowledge yourself for all that you did right in the process
- Forgive your self for all that you did not know or that you made a mistake about
- Know that at any moment, you did the best that you were capable of with all the information that you had at that time
- Take the values that you have learned and store it for the next time.
Dr. Foojan Zeine www.foojan.com
Love is defined in many different ways. Love is a form of thought, feeling, action, and an attitude. Loving thoughts are of accepting the other for who he /she is, cherishing the good qualities and holding gratitude for their presence in life. Love feels like passion, caring, expansion, joy, secure attachment, excitement, serenity, surrendering, and most of all trust. Loving actions are expressing in words, touching, hugging, kissing, paying attention, listening, doing an act that promotes the one we love. Love is an attitude of respect and looking out for the benefit of our loved one; The desire to be close and intimate and act upon to create the time and the space for intimacy; The intention to choose “US” instead of only me and what is best for me; The motivation source for making an effort to excel, and to be the best in who we are and all that we do.; The force that allows us to forgive wrongdoing and reconnect.
What do I do to fall and stay in Love?
- I can hold the desire to be in Love
- I can be willing to be vulnerable and see the beauty and strength to be vulnerable
- I can be willing to accept my beloved for the person that they are
- I can be willing to trust that all will be well when I fall in Love
- I can remind myself that being in Love is a gift to me and the person I choose to give this gift to
- I can assess to choose a person who can also appreciate, respect, receive my love and reciprocate loving feeling and attitude
- I can assess to choose a person who is also willing to be in love and act lovingly
- I can be committed to expressing my love in many formats daily
- I can be committed to love passionately
- I can be committed to loving rather to my fears
- I can acknowledge my fears of abandonment, rejection, separation and etc, and still choose to be in Love
- I can enjoy the passion of being in Love
Dr. Foojan Zeine www.foojan.com
Many of us have had hardships in the past. May it be events that have happened to us, the way our parents have treated us, intimate relationships that did not work, friends or lovers who have betrayed us, etc… It seems that there is an inquiry about “why” it happened? “why” they did it to me? Regardless of how many times we try to answer these questions we fall short of the answers. There is a secret wish to go back and change the events of the past and be done with it. The realization of this wish and fantasy with the reality of not being able to leaves us with regret and powerlessness which then we take into the future and in turn muddy up the future so that it no longer call us forward.
What can I do?
- Realize that the past can not be changed. No one has done, nor will I.
- I will stop asking “why” questions that can not be answered
- I will go over the event of the past and look at what parts I played in creating in it and or how I participated.
- I take responsibility and ownership of my part and distinguish it from the other person’s part
- I will stop reading the other people’s intention into the event and just realize the behaviors.
- I will see what I had control over and what I did not.
- I will identify the meanings and thoughts that I have about the event toward me
- I will identify, name, feel, and release the emotions that arise from these thoughts
- I will write all the I have learned from the event and how I can use these learning’s for the future.
- I will focus on my goals in the future and create action plans for my goals.
- I will feel grateful for all that I have and all that is around me
Dr. Foojan Zeine www.foojan.com
It seems that it is getting harder and harder to manage our time every day. With our life becoming a big social media, smart phones and apps that are constantly interrupting us to tell us about the latest news, and texts coming from every one that we know while expecting to be answered immediately, it is harder to prioritize our tasks during the day. Yet, it is one of the most important factors of our life to be able to manage our time or it will undermine our success.
What can I do?
- I will take a schedule book, or use the calendar on my computer or smart phone. Fill in the most important factors that are fixed in schedule such as sleeping time, and work time. Add Hygiene, exercise, and eating time. Add household chores, shopping, and preparation for food and home life activity time. Then add socialization and family time.
- I will record my time for preparation and action toward different tasks for a week. This will show me how much in reality me spend on each task. This reality check will help me schedule more accurately and revise the time allowed if necessary or become more efficient in completing the task.
- I allow and schedule time for reading email and using social media and avoid responding to all interruptions from calls and/or texts when concentrating on a task.
- I will write a to do list every night before I sleep for the next day
- I will review my to do list and prioritize it
- I become conscious of every task by visualizing the result I intend to create, from the start
- If I did not complete a task, I will reschedule it for another time. If it is not in my schedule, most probably will fade away
- I will stay on my commitment to be efficient in life rather than allowing my life to be stirred by my mood. So when I feel lazy or want to procrastinate, I will remind myself of my commitment.
Dr. Foojan Zeine www.foojan.com