Commit to creating the greatest relationship

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This week I have been working on the subject of ways we might treat our mates as our children.

Romantic Relationships and marriages are under the construct of “adult to adult” relationship, however, many couples start that way and end up with a “parent to child” relationship when they want to care, or a “child to child” relationship when they fight.  

A parent to child relatedness is when one partner holds a stance of up to down and that they know better and therefore, correct the other, criticize, discipline or punish the other.  On a caring level, they overcompensate for their mate’s shortcomings, they feel responsible for their mate’s emotions and reactions, try to avoid getting them upset, analyze their behavior and give justifications for it.

Usually, in these types of relationships, the one who acts like a parent becomes resentful when they only pay attention to the other person and not care for their own needs. Feel angry when they have their own children and really want a mating side by side for life, but end up having all children at home including their mate.  They get tired of this role and end up living in an angry position since the one they chose will never grow up.  The one which is holding the child position gets tired of being corrected, scolded, being treated like they are less than, being controlled,  not being respected for who they are, and given value for what they contribute.  At one point get gravitated toward a person who shows up and sees them on the pedestal and leaves the relationship.  The one who holds the parent stance is left after sacrificing their time to raise the other and is left alone since all children will leave the home someday, but with this one, with no appreciation and more resentment. 

It is so important for the couple to become aware when they are not treating their mate as a capable and responsible adult, and act like a parent, or the one who acts like a teen in the relationship and puts all the responsibility on their mate’s shoulder.  These relationships become very unhealthy.  

Let’s not forget that when a person chooses a mate, they are choosing them for all their greatness, strength, and compatibility. So it is important to keep that in mind when the differences show up.  Each partner plays an important role, an adult who is responsible for their own thoughts, feelings, needs, intentions, and behaviors.  They are in a relationship for companionship and partnership. So, in this role, each can communicate and negotiate respectfully for their needs and desires. Each being responsible and committed to creating happiness for themselves and the other.  

Commit to creating the greatest relationship 

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The LOVE that creates Growth – Dr. Foojan interviews with Dr. David Burns & Bonny Meyer

https://www.podbean.com/media/share/pb-d77bq-e58edc

In this segment of Inner Voice – Heartfelt Chat with Dr. Foojan on KMET 1490 AM / ABC News Radio (The LOVE that creates Growth), Dr. Foojan Zeine shares a tip regarding how to negotiate with the art of giving a gift. Dr. Foojan will bring you the latest research about childhood traumas creates faster aging. She then shares a conversation with Dr. David Burns, the professor emeritus in the Department of Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences at Stanford University and the author of the best-selling books Feeling Good: the New Mood Therapy http://www.feelinggood.com. Dr. Foojan speaks with Bonny Meyer, the author of Perfectly Paired: The Love Affair Behind Silver Oak Cellars. Bonny shares about her grief, her success and her transformation. http://www.bonnymeyer.com Visit my website – http://www.FOOJAN.com

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Give a gift by negotiating for the happiness of your relationship

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Hello everyone,I wish that you had a great week. This week I have been working with couples about their conflicts. Concentrating on the higher goal of the relationship which is to have a happy marriage allows each person to negotiate easily and effortlessly on the process.

Usually, people get into a conflict when their views are different, and adhering to their mate’s view or desire would mean to give up on their own. In the best scenario, if they do negotiate, each holds resentment for giving up. 

Although on a daily basis, couples have to come to terms with one action to be done while they have different ideas or beliefs, they concentrate on each matter that they are different.  Then they get upset about being different. I hear constantly “the problem is that we are so different”. the truth is that we are all different and that is not the problem, that is the reality.  The problem is that we don’t know how to negotiate our differences in a way that we both feel great about each result even though it did not turn out to be our view. 

My suggestion is to concentrate on the bigger goal = Having a happy relationship with two happy people.  Write 10 items that make you happy, become responsible to make yourself happy.  See your mates’ happy list, and choose to honor and offer them what makes them happy. This view allows you to negotiate with the context of giving a gift to your mate every time you negotiate on an item.  This minimizes feelings of resentment.  You can feel safe that there is always a great return on your investment.

Give the gift of love and happiness to yourself and your mate.

Love

Foojan

http://www.foojan.com

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Authenticity & Clarity – Dr. Foojan Zeine talks to Sister Jenna and Ora Nadrich

https://www.podbean.com/media/share/pb-nirxy-e4a11d

In this segment of Inner Voice – Heartfelt Chat with Dr. Foojan on KMET 1490 AM / ABC News Radio (Authenticity & Clarity), Dr. Foojan Zeine shares a tip regarding how you can set boundaries even when others might get upset. she will share a research about The brain never processes the same information in the same way. Scientists have found out why this is the case and how it works. A decisive role plays a critical state of the neuronal networks. Dr. Foojan had an amazing conversation with Dr. Sister Jenna, the host of the America Meditating Radio about clearing. Then, Ora Nadrich the founder and president of the Institute for Transformational Thinking and the author of “Live True: A Mindfulness Guide to Authenticity” shares her view on how to live an authentic and present life.

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When Boundary Setting receives a Reaction

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I have been zooming on healthy boundary setting and communicating clearly about what the boundary is, the reasons for the boundary and what the bottom line is for weeks now.  I noticed that no matter how the boundary is set, if the receiving party does not agree with the boundary or it is against their agenda, it will upset them.  
For a long time, I changed communication styles to make sure that it lands as loving, clear, and smooth for others to receive the love and kindness and yet know where the lines are.  Yes, it made a difference somewhat.  However, in the majority of cases, the person still got annoyed, upset, or angry.  
I observed myself when it was a boundary set by others appears to be fine, and when would it upset me.  I observed how clients handled receiving boundaries, and the distinction between when they took it well, or when they got upset or disappointed by it.  
My findings based on my observations are:
1- When a person holds a particular expectation, whether that expectation has been agreed upon or not, and a boundary shows up that is against, denies, negates, or defies their expectations, they feel upset.  They may think, “it is not fair”, “that is not right”, “I am not heard or considered” and etc. They might feel sad, disappointed, shamed, annoyed, angry, fear, etc. to the degree that a person is righteous about their expectation and holds a sense of entitlement, the intensity of the upset or anger rises.

2- When the boundary creates an unanticipated change.

3- When facing the boundary the person has to pay a direct consequence. 

4-When a complex relationship between areas of life exist, such as finances and living situation, work and living situation, or finances and relationships. Therefore, when there is a boundary set on one area of life, it directly influences the other area.  Even if the person understands the reason for the boundary and agrees or can come to terms with it, it still upsets them, since they have to face a consequence on another area of life. 

5-When the boundary is interpreted as a personal attack or rejection. 
This does not mean that you have to stop setting boundaries for yourself.  It means that even if people have a reaction to you setting boundaries, have compassion and understand what is the effect of your boundary setting on people around you.  You can also gage the price of not setting boundaries for people in your own life.  

So, set your boundaries clearly, free from any judgement toward yourself or others, and have compassion for others if they don’t like it. 

Love

Foojan

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Unlearn Anxiety & Depression – Conversation with Sister Jenna & Dr. Joe Luciani

https://www.podbean.com/media/share/pb-m8jy5-e3f49d

In this segment of Inner Voice – Heartfelt Chat with Dr. Foojan on KMET 1490 AM / ABC News Radio (Unlearn Anxiety & Depression), Dr. Foojan Zeine shares a tip regarding how we cross personal boundaries under the name of kindness. Dr. Foojan shares an amazing conversation with Dr. Sister Jenna, the host of the America Meditating Radio about changing negative thoughts. Then, Dr. Joe Luciani, a clinical psychologist and internationally bestselling author of the Self-Coaching series of books will share his wisdom with us from his latest book: Unlearning Anxiety & Depression: The 4-Step Self-Coaching Program to Reclaim Your Life

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Crossing Boundaries Hurts Relationships

This week I have been observing and working with boundaries in relationships.


It begins with how parents do not create boundaries for their children and don’t ask their children to uphold boundaries.  Many parents cross boundaries with their children by having their children sleep in their parent’s bed. They may not knock when going into their children’s rooms and therefore, their children do not learn to knock when they are coming into their parent’s room. They can cross boundaries by negating their children’s thought processes, talking, or directing in a hostile or aggressive manner.  Checking their teen’s room when they are in the room is crossing boundaries.  Teens taking money from their parent’s room is crossing boundaries. 


I also have been working with couples who cross boundaries by checking each other’s cell phone, computer, social media, texts, pant’s pockets, etc.  Others, share their most personal experiences in their home with others without getting their other mate’s permission.  Others, cross boundaries by making major decisions about their life and implementing it without sharing it with their mate. 


Among friends, under the name of caring I have been witnessing boundaries being crossed by telling a friend what to do and then get angry at them when the friend does not comply, and then gossip about it to another friend.


In companies, boundaries are broken by asking employees to do things that are not part of their job descriptions or create relationships beyond co-workers or boss/employee.

So, define your boundaries, spatial, beliefs, emotional, or physical boundaries,  and communicate them to people around you. Let them know respectfully if they crossed your boundary and how it has affected you.  Be aware of other people’s boundaries, if you don’t know what they are, ask.  If you crossed some one’s boundaries without knowing, then apologize and promise not to cross it again.  


It is important for everyone to have a clear boundaries and share it with others, this habit creates much healthier relationships and much less drama within relationships.

Love

Foojan

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Letting go in many ways – Dr. Foojan Zeine talks to Sister Jenna and Sue William Silverman

https://www.podbean.com/media/share/pb-wch96-e324c3

In this segment of Inner Voice – Heartfelt Chat with Dr. Foojan on KMET 1490 AM / ABC News Radio (Letting go in many ways), Dr. Foojan Zeine shares a tip regarding the commitment to fighting vs. a peaceful resolution in our relationships. She brings you the latest study about how our brain is hard-wired for longing for each other. Dr. Foojan shares an amazing conversation with Dr. Sister Jenna, the host of the America Meditating Radio about letting go. Then, Sue Willliam Silverman, the author of HOW TO SURVIVE DEATH AND OTHER INCONVENIENCES”  shares her experiences and many others regarding fear of death.   

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Patterns of our Characters – Dr. Foojan Zeine interviews Omid Nemati

https://www.podbean.com/media/share/pb-mz6ma-e256bb

In this segment of Inner Voice – Heartfelt Chat with Dr. Foojan on KMET 1490 AM / ABC News Radio (Patterns of our Characters), Dr. Foojan Zeine shares her tip of the week about 9 tips to be aware of when your relationship does not work. Shared the latest research from the University of Connecticut about how rituals minimize anxiety and how human being has utilized rituals to create structure and safety. Dr. Foojan interviews Omid Nemati, the originator of the Bavecttitude Theory, and the author of “The Human Miind and Patterns of Characters”. Omid discusses in details of how the mind operates and how we create different parts or roles that we apply on our daily lives as patterns of characters.

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What’s not working in your relationship?

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Some people experience anxiety about their partner keeping information or emotions from them.  Information such as the financial, family of origin, or affairs. This makes them feel unsafe and insecure as if waiting for the other shoe to drop at any moment and dismantle their whole life as they know it.  


Some people experience sadness for not being seen, not being heard, and alone within their relationship. As if no matter what they say or how they say it, their words will not matter and their needs will not be met.

Some people feel broken under the power, or the force of their partner and feel utterly powerless within the relationship and powerless to leave the relationship.


Some are done with the relationship but feel obligated to remain due to the societal pressure, thinking that it is better for their children, not wanting to be destroyed financially, not wanting to lose the social structure that has been created due to the relationship, or they are afraid of the unknown beyond this relationship.


Regardless of the reason that their relationship is not working, their anxiety and sadness create an unfulfilling life which results in the demise of their purpose and self-esteem which will affect productivity in many other areas of their life.


How do you take care of yourself when your relationship is not working?

  1. Observe how you are contributing to the current state of your relationship. 
  2. Observe how you think and feel about yourself and your partner and your relationship.
  3. Identify all behaviors that you do in your relationship that you are not proud of and are not aligned with your intention and values.  
  4. See how you have lost respect for yourself and your partner.  
  5. Explore what you need to restore respecting yourself and your partner.  
  6. See how you have been lying to yourself and your partner.  
  7. Explore how you can restore trust. 
  8. Identify what your needs are and how you can fulfill them with or without your partner.
  9. Identify all the areas that you don’t have skills yet to create a fulfilling relationship.

Remember that you deserve to have an amazing relationship. If you are stuck and don’t have the skill to create it, get support.

Love

Foojan

http://www.foojan.com

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