Change is inevitable. Yes, we all know it. Yet, it produces the most amount of anxiety for people.
Change creates stress.
When the change is chosen and the future is expected, such as moving up the academic ladder, getting a promotion in the company, getting married, having a child, etc. Even when change is chosen there are areas of unknown awaiting that create anxiety. There is grief and mourning period to let go of the status quo. There is also the uncomfortableness and the effort of acquiring new behaviors and patterns while letting go of the old ones.
When change has not been chosen and it is forced upon, such as being fired or layoff, being told that your partner is requesting for a divorce, war, pandemic, illnesses, etc. The shock, denial, resistance, anger, anxiety, and the grief of losing what the person has becomes extremely hard. Envisioning a pleasurable future is resisted and at times impossible.
I have talked to a senior in high school who is going through the transition from childhood to adulthood. Knowing that he needs to say goodbye to all his friends who all will be going to different colleges across the nation. Anxious about moving to college away from home for the first time in his life. Terrified of taking care of himself without his parents being there all the time.
I had a conversation with a woman who after 10 years of marriage, her husband left home and wants a divorce.
She is in the utmost grief stage, bargains at times, begs at times, yells pushes him away, cries all day, and will not accept what is being proposed. She refuses to see a future without him and therefore can’t envision the future for herself.
I spoke with a man who after 3 months of sobriety after 10 years of being on painkillers and other types of Opioids is terrified of living sober day to day and faces his emotional dysregulations. He misses his copying mechanism of numbing his feelings even though it was unhealthy. The future terrifies him, he does not see himself equipped to create a successful life, so his anxiety, shame, hopelessness, and helplessness push him to relapse. Even relapse terrifies him. He feels stuck between a rock and hard place of misery with change in any direction.
I spoke to a couple who are in love and are planning to move in together and get married. A great planned change. They are both very anxious about how to adapt to each other’s space, temperament, and needs. They are aware that they must negotiate on all levels from adjusting the bedroom temperature to all major financial decisions. The change is going from the singlehood that allowed each of them to make a solo decision about what made them comfortable to couplehood that requires both to be happy and comfortable. The grief of losing personal freedom to the anxiety of how far they must lose themselves to gain the Us.
Yes, change is inevitable.
Change is happening every second whether you realize it or not, however, you are choosing to be consistent with a belief or behavior and that is why it appears constant. You are not even breathing the same air every time you fill up your lungs, but it appears that you are consistently breathing the same way because you think that way.
Inconsistency or change threatens our perceived sense of safety and security. Therefore, human beings need to create an illusion that all is constant to protect their sanity. Human being takes what has experienced in the past and projects it into the future to keep the momentum and consistency of existence.
Creating a vision of a pleasurable future is the key to reducing the anxiety of handling change.
Since it is a natural process to grieve for all that you are losing as part of the change, allow yourself to cherish all that you have gained, learned, experienced and will hold within you as a pleasurable memory. Complete with what you have to leave behind, by talking to people, writing letters, writing in your journal, expressing your appreciation about all that you have gained from those experiences. Cry, laugh, hug, and kiss it all goodbye.
Now create a visual picture of the future that you intend to create, create a collage, write the details of what you want to create, see yourself behaving, thinking, feeling, and accomplishing those goals. Enjoy the feeling of creativity and achievement.
When the “What if —Negative” thought comes up, ask yourself, if there is anything you can do for that not to happen, and incorporate those steps into your planning. Observe your accomplishments so far, assess and identify your strengths and skills, and trust that you will use them when necessary. Realize that life has been changing constantly since you were conceived and born, and you have handled it, therefore you will handle any change as it surfaces. If change intrudes upon you and takes you by surprise, use all your skills to handle it.
View change as an ongoing concept the same as you view the weather or driving conditions, look for it, be prepared and handle it with all your strengths.
Change is inevitable
View it as an ongoing concept
Welcome it as the next level of your growth
Handle it with all your strength
Await the next change as it is guaranteed to show up
For more observational and integrational skills to set intentional goals get my book – Life Reset: The Awareness Integration Path to Create the Life You Want.
Love
Foojan
Dr. Foojan Zeine's Blog 