This week I have been working with facing duality inside of us which ends up paralyzing us toward any action. This has been very prevalent in the decision-making of whether one wants to stay in a relationship or move on, whether one should stay at a job or leave to another position, or if one should end a business partnership or not.
How do we make the best decision for us when each part of us wants and needs different outcomes? What is the best decision? How do we come to alignment and agreement between our separate parts?
One of the biggest inner conflicts is when the situation we are in is not ideal. If we stay in the relationship, we are not completely fulfilled, and it feels not enough. If we let go of the current relationship for the hope of an ideal future relationship, we might lose what we have now. At times we just cling to what we have with a sense of resignation and victimization, while we yearn for the ideal relation to just fall into our lap with a guarantee of giving us all we want. Some people wait passively while they look eagerly out there. Some become depressed since they lose hope from having the current relationship work and lose hope for ever getting what they want. And some continue with the agony of vacillation between staying and leaving daily.
At times we enter a relationship whether it is a romantic/ intimate one, or business, or work relation with the most immediate need, such as “I am lonely”, or “I need money”, or “this opportunity is too good to pass up”. After fulfilling the existing need, other needs that are necessary to be fulfilled show up, such as “I want someone who is emotionally mature”, or “I need my autonomy”. People try to fulfill their other needs within the structure of the same relationship, however, the relationship might have never been set up to fulfill all other needs. Hence, the duality of fulfilling all needs simultaneously begins.
Take the following steps:
- Observe your different needs
- Write them down – What is your request?
- Can you fulfill parts of your needs in this relationship?
- Have you communicated to your partner about your needs?
- Is your partner capable of offering you a solution to fulfill the need within the structure of your current relationship?
- Is your need a current and appropriate adult need, or it is a childhood unfulfilled need or an unrealistic need?
- Write the pros and cons of staying in the relationship
- Write the pros and cons of leaving the relationship
- Put two chairs in front of each other and assign “Staying” to one chair and “Leaving” to another
- Sit on the “Staying” position chair and talk about the rationale and your emotions of the need to stay
- Sit on the “Leaving position” chair and talk about the rationale and your emotions of the need to leave
- Keep going back and forth until you come to some defined negotiation
- Then stand tall on top of both chairs and be the mediator between the two parts
- Take your pros and cons sheet to 5 people that you trust and ask their opinion about it
- Commit to a decision and an action
- Commit to a date and time if you are leaving
- Commit to a shift of attitude if you are staying.
For more observational and integration skills go to my book “Life Reset – The Awareness Integration Path to Create the Life You Want”.
In making decisions – listen and honor your needs from all parts of you