I have been zooming on healthy boundary setting and communicating clearly about what the boundary is, the reasons for the boundary and what the bottom line is for weeks now. I noticed that no matter how the boundary is set, if the receiving party does not agree with the boundary or it is against their agenda, it will upset them.
For a long time, I changed communication styles to make sure that it lands as loving, clear, and smooth for others to receive the love and kindness and yet know where the lines are. Yes, it made a difference somewhat. However, in the majority of cases, the person still got annoyed, upset, or angry.
I observed myself when it was a boundary set by others appears to be fine, and when would it upset me. I observed how clients handled receiving boundaries, and the distinction between when they took it well, or when they got upset or disappointed by it.
My findings based on my observations are:
1- When a person holds a particular expectation, whether that expectation has been agreed upon or not, and a boundary shows up that is against, denies, negates, or defies their expectations, they feel upset. They may think, “it is not fair”, “that is not right”, “I am not heard or considered” and etc. They might feel sad, disappointed, shamed, annoyed, angry, fear, etc. to the degree that a person is righteous about their expectation and holds a sense of entitlement, the intensity of the upset or anger rises.
2- When the boundary creates an unanticipated change.
3- When facing the boundary the person has to pay a direct consequence.
4-When a complex relationship between areas of life exist, such as finances and living situation, work and living situation, or finances and relationships. Therefore, when there is a boundary set on one area of life, it directly influences the other area. Even if the person understands the reason for the boundary and agrees or can come to terms with it, it still upsets them, since they have to face a consequence on another area of life.
5-When the boundary is interpreted as a personal attack or rejection.
This does not mean that you have to stop setting boundaries for yourself. It means that even if people have a reaction to you setting boundaries, have compassion and understand what is the effect of your boundary setting on people around you. You can also gage the price of not setting boundaries for people in your own life.
So, set your boundaries clearly, free from any judgement toward yourself or others, and have compassion for others if they don’t like it.